Some of you may know that I am a lifelong nail-biter. It’s a disgusting and self-destructive habit that I’ve learned to moderate as an adult, but never been able to shake for long. I’ve tried, believe me. As a kid my parents tried everything from paying me if I could grow them, to smacking my in the back of the head if seen to be biting them (thanks dad), to bitter polish, and worry beads. But nothing ever worked; I continued to eat myself. I suppose if I had a Vorarephilia fetish I would be set for life. I don’t.

Now, let me add here, just so we all understand what I mean when I say I bit my nails. I don’t mean that I nibbled harmlessly at them. No, I mean I bit them so low that I couldn’t bend my fingers because it would pull the skin away from what little quick I had left, hurt and bleed. Getting my hands wet almost became a paranoia because they hurt so much worse when wet and soft. I used to carry cups between the two thenar of my hands so that I didn’t have to grip them with one hand. I’m not exaggerating. This was a horrid horrid thing to do to myself.

By my mid twenties I had garnered enough self control to keep myself from such extremes. I carry a nail file and clippers with me at all time. If I feel a snag I will file or clip it immediately, regardless of the location. I feel a bit self-conscious about this sometimes as I think it can seem rude, but I’m selfish enough to prioritise my needs over the possible disgust of any observer – sorry about that.

Recently, however I find that these nails that I have mutilated my whole life are growing. I didn’t at first know why. Lord knows my stress level hasn’t gone down. I suddenly realised that my last semester is halfway done, which means it is time to start writing final essays again, and even worse to stop pretending to research my dissertation and actually write it. The in-laws are here. I’m raising a five year-old. OMG, have you ever raised a five year-old? No matter how much you love them (and we do) they are little sh*ts that you want strangle sometimes (we don’t). The only thing to have changed that I can attribute the growth to is that I started taking vitamin D. I don’t mean the little bit included in my mulit-vitiamin, but a full 5,000 UI a day. I’m told you can’t overdose on the stuff, so I’m running with that.

I started taking them because I heard rickets were remerging. Modern people don’t get enough sun. We stay inside all day and slather ourselves in sunblock when we go out. I’m not great about the sunblock, but then again I live in NW England. I sure do spend half my lifetime in front of a computer though, and last I checked monitors didn’t emit solar energy. Panic ensued, research followed, new tablet was added to the morning regime eventually, and now I suddenly have long beautiful nails. It is my understanding that vitamin D helps regulate the absorption of calcium and phosphate into the body, so I guess it makes sense.

Now those of you who have never bitten your nails might look at the above picture and think, ‘So what? What’s the big deal?’ You might even think they aren’t all that beautiful really. They’re a little misshapen, you can practically see through them they’re so thin, so they aren’t the stark white of a french manicure. The thing is, though, I could go get a french manicure if I wanted to. This is mind-blowing to me.

This experience has also come with a few other unexpected side effects. I find that I use my hands differently with nails extending from the tips of my fingers. Typing is a bit more difficult. I keep sliding off the keys. I never even realised that I type with the tip of my fingers instead of the pad. Why would I need to know that? I also spread my fingers more, raise my hand in a more elegant manner, and just generally feel more feminine. It’s ridiculous! I know it’s ridiculous, but I do it anyway, and it makes me happy. I attribute all of this to the one little capsule of vitamin D I now take in the mornings.

Now, I’m not a medical practitioner, and since I don’t want to be sued if someone out there decides to start taking Vitamin D and something bad happens I, of course, recommend doing your research and/or consulting your doctor beforehand. But it seems to have worked wonders for me.