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Fashionably Dead

Book Review of Fashionably Dead (Hot Damned #1), by Robyn Peterman

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Fashionably DeadI grabbed Robyn Peterman‘s Fashionably Dead from the Amazon free list. At the time of posting, it was still free.

Description from Amazon:
Vampyres don’t exist. They absolutely do not exist.

At least I didn’t think they did ‘til I tried to quit smoking and ended up Undead. Who in the hell did I screw over in a former life that my getting healthy equates with dead?

Now I’m a Vampyre. Yes, we exist whether we want to or not. However, I have to admit, the perks aren’t bad. My girls no longer jiggle, my ass is higher than a kite and the latest Prada keeps finding its way to my wardrobe. On the downside, I’m stuck with an obscenely profane Guardian Angel who looks like Oprah and a Fairy Fighting Coach who’s teaching me to annihilate like the Terminator.

To complicate matters, my libido has increased to Vampyric proportions and my attraction to a hotter than Satan’s underpants killer rogue Vampyre is not only dangerous . . . it’s possibly deadly. For real dead. Permanent death isn’t on my agenda. Avoiding him is my only option. Of course, since he thinks I’m his, it’s easier said than done. Like THAT’S not enough to deal with, all the other Vampyres think I’m some sort of Chosen One.

Holy Hell, if I’m in charge of saving an entire race of blood suckers, the Undead are in for one hell of a ride.

Review:
I almost loved this book. It was almost a great humorous paranormal romance. It was almost a stellar read. It also almost didn’t get finished by this reader.

I feel like the author had a really fun idea, what could be engaging characters, a good sense of humour and some hot sex and then took it all, mixed in a bowl and multiplied it times ten until it was patently unpalatable. Seriously, the idea here is so good. The writing is too, but my god(dess), it’s all just taken soooooo far.

Astrid liked Prada…so she’s a Prada Whore and we’re reminded of it about 1,000 times. She becomes a vampire….then, through no effort on her part, becomes an ultra-vamp. She’s ‘The Chosen One’…then develops unbelievable and unbeatable power and skill that save the day repeatedly, despite her not knowing how she does what she does. (Don’t you just love when mysterious superpowers randomly pop up and rescue the heroine with no conscious decision on her part?) She not only can do a bit of magic here or there (when vamps aren’t supposed to be able to do any), she can shoot hundreds of silver bullets from her fingertips. She can destroy whole roomfuls of enemies (sometimes, but apparently not always, since at other times she just didn’t bother).

She’s chosen as a mate…by the most powerful vamp in the area. She gets hot around him…and then can orgasm repeatedly at a touch on her back. They have sex…and then when that isn’t wild enough for our heroine they throw in handstand positions and things that she thinks probably should be legal. Seriously? Sex and handstands, when she’s portrayed as not particularly sexually experienced.

She wants a family…then she gets one, and then another, and then another. Everyone can’t help but love her eventually. She’s funny and sarcastic…then it just becomes annoying in it’s suicidal banality. She can apparently say anything to anyone at anytime with none of the consequences other vampires would face. She gets a guardian angel…then a special fairy…then her best friend goes all super-power too. She’s too special for a girl who was just some normal Mary Sue a day earlier. She’s mated to the local ruler, daughter-in-law to the vampire king, daughter to the demon king, granddaughter to the king’s best friend, guarded by the most notable fairy to come around for 2,000 years, best friends with the fairy queen, and trained by a powerful angel who also has an important position. It’s all just too much…far, far, far too much.

Especially since I don’t know that I actually grasped why she needed all the special skills to accomplish the task ‘The Chosen One’ was meant to do. Actually, I wasn’t really even all that clear on what that was to start with. Maybe she’ll need to do more powers in the future, but as it stands much of her amazingness seemed surplus to requirements.

Further, the book is incredibly repetitive. It recaps itself at regular intervals, gives the reader the same information more than once and I just plain lost track of how many times I read, ‘What the fu…’ Scaled back, this could be a really good book. I mean it is funny. It is well written. The editing is pretty good. (I noticed a few errors, but far fewer than in a lot of indie books I’ve read.) But it’s completely unbelievable and after a while I just started groaning and rolling my eyes. Plus, it’s a freakin’ cliffhanger. At least it’s not a novella. It’s an appreciably long book, but still doesn’t have a conclusion.

Book Review of The Flower Bowl Spell, by Olivia Boler

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The Flower Bowl SpellI grabbed a copy of Olivia Boler‘s The Flower Bowl Spell from the Amazon free list. At the time of posting, it was still free.

Description from Goodreads:
Journalist Memphis Zhang isn’t ashamed of her Wiccan upbringing—in fact, she’s proud to be one of a few Chinese American witches in San Francisco, and maybe the world. Unlike the well-meaning but basically powerless Wiccans in her disbanded coven, Memphis can see fairies, read auras, and cast spells that actually work—even though she concocts them with ingredients like Nutella and antiperspirant. Yet after a friend she tries to protect is brutally killed, Memphis, full of guilt, abandons magick to lead a “normal” life. The appearance, however, of her dead friend’s sexy rock star brother—as well as a fairy in a subway tunnel—suggest that magick is not done with her. Reluctantly, Memphis finds herself dragged back into the world of urban magick, trying to stop a power-hungry witch from using the dangerous Flower Bowl Spell and killing the people Memphis loves—and maybe even Memphis herself.

Review:
A fun quick read, of the light and fluffy variety.

I had a hard time getting into The Flower Bowl Spell. Things seemed to drag a bit in the beginning. There was a lot of time dedicated to things like dinner or describing things, but once the mystery presented itself the pace really picked up. What’s more, Memphis’ voice, the one she’d been establishing in her semi-rants and sarcastic descriptions of things easily morphed into a slightly panicked, fairly harried one that fit the plot wonderfully. She is a delightful character.

I enjoyed that the mystery kept me guessing up until the end. However, I do think the resolution came about a little too easily and the book ended with questions still unanswered. It wasn’t a cliffhanger or anything, there were just some things that Memphis and therefore the reader never learned the answer to.

All in all, I had a lot of fun with this one. The writing was sharp, the humour witty and the editing good. I’ll be keeping my eyes open for more of Ms. Boler’s works.

Book Review of Dragon Bound and Storm’s Heart (Elder Races #1 & 2), by Thea Harrison

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I borrowed Dragon Bound and Storm’s Heart, by Thea Harrison, from my local library.

Dragon BoundDescription from Goodreads:
Half-human and half-Wyr, Pia Giovanni spent her life keeping a low profile among the Wyrkind and avoiding the continuing conflict between them and their Dark Fae enemies. But after being blackmailed into stealing a coin from the hoard of a dragon, Pia finds herself targeted by one of the most powerful—and passionate—of the Elder Races.

As the most feared and respected of the Wyrkind, Dragos Cuelebre cannot believe someone had the audacity to steal from him, much less succeed. And when he catches the thief, Dragos spares her life, claiming her as his own to further explore the desire they’ve ignited in each other.

Pia knows she must repay Dragos for her trespass, but refuses to become his slave—although she cannot deny wanting him, body and soul.

Review:
I enjoyed this well enough. I liked Pia’s backbone and thought Dragos was fun. I especially liked the way some of his behaviours came across as dragon-like without it ever being directly described as so. However, there was a lot of head hopping that irritated me, the plot was really only a thin scaffold to hang the romance on and I thought that the writing was really repetitive. Things like the fact that on the first page, which is only really a half page because of the chapter heading, the word ‘so’ is used 7 times (it sucked so bad…, fifteen minutes or so…, she was so freaking dead…, he screwed her over so royally…, etc). Also Dragos is described as ‘aggressive’ about a thousand times and his eyes are raptor-like on every third page. I don’t really understand how or why the book has won so many awards. I wouldn’t call it great, but I did enjoy it in a light, fluffy kind of way.

Storm's HeartDescription from Goodreads:
During the rule of her murderous Dark Fae uncle, Thistle “Tricks” Periwinkle found sanctuary among the Wyr in New York. Her ethereal beauty and sparkling personality won the hearts of the public, but after her uncle’s death, there are those who don’t want to see her ascend to the throne.

Able to wield thunder and lightning, Wyr sentinel Tiago Black Eagle has ruled the skies for centuries. His massive build and thunderous power make him one of the Wyr’s best weapons. And he’s sent to protect Tricks when she’s almost assassinated in Chicago.

Soon, both Tiago and Tricks will fall prey to the stormy hunger that engulfs them—a passion that will shake the very foundation of all the worlds.

Review:
We’ve all read this book a couple dozen (hundred?) times before, regardless of the character names, environments, species, etc. The big, bad, beastly alpha male is blindsided by his sudden passion for some surprising little slip of a thing, who he worships for her sexy body and what he sees as her amazing inner strength. He shows this beguilement by trying to control every aspect of her life. Meanwhile, she squawks a bit at his overbearing manner, but secretly loves letting him overpower her and spends a third of the book fantasising about how else the barely human man might dominate her. Sound familiar? Yeah, I know.

I’m afraid this was a serious case of ‘meh’ for me. I didn’t hate it, but it did little for me either. The issue is that it’s a bon-bon. I can’t even call it cotton candy, which a person will read for the simple ephemeral wisp of momentary enjoyment. No, this is something you go specifically to the store to buy, curl up on the couch with the box and purposefully indulge in. Indulge in what? Vicariously experiencing what it’s like to have some über-male make you the absolute centre of his universe. That’s what Tiago does to Tricks. He worships her with every ounce of his beastly self and it touches on some primal female desire apparently, because I realise a lot of people love this kind of thing. More power to you, but I need a little more. Yes, I think seeing the “holocaust of a male” go weak at the knees for his mate is sexy, but it’s pretty much all he (or anyone else) did in this book. It’s just page after page after page of him growling how sexy she is, or that she’s his, or what he’s going to do to her when they get to a bed, or how he’d do anything to protect her, or how he’d never leave her, etc. Redundant much? In return, Tricks drools over his muscled, dangerous body and scary, antisocial personality again and again and again. Yep, still redundant. None of this is helped by the tendency to use the same descriptives repeatedly. Tiago’s face is described as some version of hatchet hewn or knife bladed about a million times.

There is a thin thread of plot-line tying everything together, but it’s not much one. The world was essentially set out in book one and the characters were introduced (though by no means gotten to know) in the previous book. So apparently forgoing the character development was seen as acceptable. (There really isn’t any.) So, without much in the line of plot, world-building or character development what do you fill 300 pages with? Yep, you guessed it, internal emotions, declaration off love and sex. That’s about all you’ll get here. As fantasy fodder, it fits the bill, but if you’re looking for ANYTHING more substantial it’s a fail. There’s no substance to it and there isn’t meant to be. And while I can kind of see what people see it in, if it’s all there is to a book it just feels cheap.