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Fashionably Dead

Book Review of Fashionably Dead (Hot Damned #1), by Robyn Peterman

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Fashionably DeadI grabbed Robyn Peterman‘s Fashionably Dead from the Amazon free list. At the time of posting, it was still free.

Description from Amazon:
Vampyres don’t exist. They absolutely do not exist.

At least I didn’t think they did ‘til I tried to quit smoking and ended up Undead. Who in the hell did I screw over in a former life that my getting healthy equates with dead?

Now I’m a Vampyre. Yes, we exist whether we want to or not. However, I have to admit, the perks aren’t bad. My girls no longer jiggle, my ass is higher than a kite and the latest Prada keeps finding its way to my wardrobe. On the downside, I’m stuck with an obscenely profane Guardian Angel who looks like Oprah and a Fairy Fighting Coach who’s teaching me to annihilate like the Terminator.

To complicate matters, my libido has increased to Vampyric proportions and my attraction to a hotter than Satan’s underpants killer rogue Vampyre is not only dangerous . . . it’s possibly deadly. For real dead. Permanent death isn’t on my agenda. Avoiding him is my only option. Of course, since he thinks I’m his, it’s easier said than done. Like THAT’S not enough to deal with, all the other Vampyres think I’m some sort of Chosen One.

Holy Hell, if I’m in charge of saving an entire race of blood suckers, the Undead are in for one hell of a ride.

Review:
I almost loved this book. It was almost a great humorous paranormal romance. It was almost a stellar read. It also almost didn’t get finished by this reader.

I feel like the author had a really fun idea, what could be engaging characters, a good sense of humour and some hot sex and then took it all, mixed in a bowl and multiplied it times ten until it was patently unpalatable. Seriously, the idea here is so good. The writing is too, but my god(dess), it’s all just taken soooooo far.

Astrid liked Prada…so she’s a Prada Whore and we’re reminded of it about 1,000 times. She becomes a vampire….then, through no effort on her part, becomes an ultra-vamp. She’s ‘The Chosen One’…then develops unbelievable and unbeatable power and skill that save the day repeatedly, despite her not knowing how she does what she does. (Don’t you just love when mysterious superpowers randomly pop up and rescue the heroine with no conscious decision on her part?) She not only can do a bit of magic here or there (when vamps aren’t supposed to be able to do any), she can shoot hundreds of silver bullets from her fingertips. She can destroy whole roomfuls of enemies (sometimes, but apparently not always, since at other times she just didn’t bother).

She’s chosen as a mate…by the most powerful vamp in the area. She gets hot around him…and then can orgasm repeatedly at a touch on her back. They have sex…and then when that isn’t wild enough for our heroine they throw in handstand positions and things that she thinks probably should be legal. Seriously? Sex and handstands, when she’s portrayed as not particularly sexually experienced.

She wants a family…then she gets one, and then another, and then another. Everyone can’t help but love her eventually. She’s funny and sarcastic…then it just becomes annoying in it’s suicidal banality. She can apparently say anything to anyone at anytime with none of the consequences other vampires would face. She gets a guardian angel…then a special fairy…then her best friend goes all super-power too. She’s too special for a girl who was just some normal Mary Sue a day earlier. She’s mated to the local ruler, daughter-in-law to the vampire king, daughter to the demon king, granddaughter to the king’s best friend, guarded by the most notable fairy to come around for 2,000 years, best friends with the fairy queen, and trained by a powerful angel who also has an important position. It’s all just too much…far, far, far too much.

Especially since I don’t know that I actually grasped why she needed all the special skills to accomplish the task ‘The Chosen One’ was meant to do. Actually, I wasn’t really even all that clear on what that was to start with. Maybe she’ll need to do more powers in the future, but as it stands much of her amazingness seemed surplus to requirements.

Further, the book is incredibly repetitive. It recaps itself at regular intervals, gives the reader the same information more than once and I just plain lost track of how many times I read, ‘What the fu…’ Scaled back, this could be a really good book. I mean it is funny. It is well written. The editing is pretty good. (I noticed a few errors, but far fewer than in a lot of indie books I’ve read.) But it’s completely unbelievable and after a while I just started groaning and rolling my eyes. Plus, it’s a freakin’ cliffhanger. At least it’s not a novella. It’s an appreciably long book, but still doesn’t have a conclusion.

Book Review of The Flower Bowl Spell, by Olivia Boler

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The Flower Bowl SpellI grabbed a copy of Olivia Boler‘s The Flower Bowl Spell from the Amazon free list. At the time of posting, it was still free.

Description from Goodreads:
Journalist Memphis Zhang isn’t ashamed of her Wiccan upbringing—in fact, she’s proud to be one of a few Chinese American witches in San Francisco, and maybe the world. Unlike the well-meaning but basically powerless Wiccans in her disbanded coven, Memphis can see fairies, read auras, and cast spells that actually work—even though she concocts them with ingredients like Nutella and antiperspirant. Yet after a friend she tries to protect is brutally killed, Memphis, full of guilt, abandons magick to lead a “normal” life. The appearance, however, of her dead friend’s sexy rock star brother—as well as a fairy in a subway tunnel—suggest that magick is not done with her. Reluctantly, Memphis finds herself dragged back into the world of urban magick, trying to stop a power-hungry witch from using the dangerous Flower Bowl Spell and killing the people Memphis loves—and maybe even Memphis herself.

Review:
A fun quick read, of the light and fluffy variety.

I had a hard time getting into The Flower Bowl Spell. Things seemed to drag a bit in the beginning. There was a lot of time dedicated to things like dinner or describing things, but once the mystery presented itself the pace really picked up. What’s more, Memphis’ voice, the one she’d been establishing in her semi-rants and sarcastic descriptions of things easily morphed into a slightly panicked, fairly harried one that fit the plot wonderfully. She is a delightful character.

I enjoyed that the mystery kept me guessing up until the end. However, I do think the resolution came about a little too easily and the book ended with questions still unanswered. It wasn’t a cliffhanger or anything, there were just some things that Memphis and therefore the reader never learned the answer to.

All in all, I had a lot of fun with this one. The writing was sharp, the humour witty and the editing good. I’ll be keeping my eyes open for more of Ms. Boler’s works.

Book Review of Laid Bare, by Lauren Dane

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Laid BareI picked up a used hardback copy of Laid Bare, by Lauren Dane.

Description from Goodreads:
Unexpected Desire…

It’s been ten years since clean-cut, sexy-as-hell police officer Todd Keenan had a white-hot fling with Erin Brown, the provocative, wild rocker chick next door. Their power exchange in the bedroom got under his skin. But love wasn’t in the cards just yet…

Now, life has thrown the pair back together. But picking up where they left off is tough, in light of a painful event from Erin’s past. As Todd struggles to earn her trust, their relationship takes an unexpected and exciting turn when Todd’s best friend, Ben, ends up in their bed–and all three are quite satisfied in this relationship without a name. As the passion they share transforms Erin, will it be enough to help her face the evil she thought she had left behind?

Review:
If I was going to title this review, I would call it Bondage & Ménage for Beginners. That’s what this book is. It is nice in that it allows the reader to indulge in a little BDSM without the humiliation that so often accompanies it. This is great for people like me who enjoy the occasional foray into the bondage scene, but hate the abusive humiliation that so often goes with it. Though this comes across as really light stuff (there is only a little bondage and domination play, but a big deal is made of it), it was nice to see one theme without it’s darker, more disturbing shadow.

Much more time is dedicated to the ménage à trois, but it’s still pretty lightweight stuff. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is smokin’ but it does tend to repeat itself in an attempt to not portray anything too extreme. Excuse me for my opinion, but if you’re brave enough to write a committed ménage relationship, you need to be brave enough to include all the ways a m/f/m grouping can engage in coitus (or at least more than just the safe for polite conversation ones). Otherwise, exclusions stand out as glaring omissions.

This would be a great introduction to kinky erotica. Not only because it only dips its toe in the kink factor (while pretending it’s going all hog wild, allowing readers to do the same) but also because there is a whole marshmallow soft underside to it. It’s incredibly safe.

It includes and endless supply of conversations like this, “Good. I feel that too. I want you to know I respect what you and Todd have. I’d never do anything to harm that. I care about you both.” It’s just so painfully earnest and therefore unrealistic, but it provides a gentle cossetting for any nervous reader. Personally, this kind of thing drives me up the wall. I don’t want to be cossetted, so all I get out of it is the irritation left behind by the internal, “yeah right, like he would really say that.” But some readers need and like it. 

This whole artificial safety net is further enhanced by the strictly proper use of D/s in the MCs’ conversations. It often made me feel like I was actually reading some sort of how-to manual. It’s not that it was wrong, just too exact for believable dialogue, especially since the characters are new to the D/s scene. It’s like listening to someone talk about sex, but always saying penis and vagina. It’s perfectly correct grammatically, but who really talks that way?

This left some of the sexual dialogue feeling stiff. It was in general anyway, but this enhanced it. Things like Todd showing up after 10 years and 10 minutes into their first conversation saying, “I want to dominate you.” No nervous, getting to know you again conversation for him. No feeling her out to see if she’s still into that sort of thing. No dancing around the subject or using pretty euphemisms, even though he’s never actually spoken this way to anyone before. It’s unrealistic and often highlighted ‘oh yeah, this is fictitious’ for me. It is, of course. But that doesn’t mean I want to be dramatically reminded of it.

If I’m honest, every-time the characters progressed form one stage of their relationship to the next it was blunt and sudden like this, no finesse. People don’t just leap out of their social mores so easily, but that’s a whole different issue.

These are all only small annoyances really. My only REAL complaint is that the broken, victimised, scarred, scared woman who finds a strong man to put her back together and protect her has been done and done and done and DONE. It’s beyond cliché. Now, throwing Ben into the mix was at least an unusual twist on the well-rehearsed plot, but it was halfway through the book and felt very tacked on to me. However, I will grant that seeing the two men 100% dedicated to the protection and pleasure of a single woman was a heady experience. And Todd and Erin’s history gave a believable reason for him to be so overly enamoured with her.

All in all, I enjoyed it. But I spent a lot of time groaning at the exaggerated feel good factor. I highly recommend it for any reader who wants to have their first literary BDSM or ménage experiance, but aren’t sure if they’ll like the genre or not. Anyone with any significant experience with the subject matter will probably share some of my eye rolling moments.